| This post is probably really depressing. Don't read it unless you really want to. So the last week or two have been some of the most emotionally distraught times I have faced. My friend Jimmy's father passed away a little more than a week ago last Friday. He was 47. And as long as I've known him he never once said any bad thing about anyone, or ever repeated things he had heard. A rarity in today's society, and something that even the best of us fail at. It's hard to explain, but when you grow up with someone, and their father is like a father to you, it is difficult. I remember their dad, Steve, always reminding me that his home was my home, always asked when I was coming home from ECU, how I was doing. I remember him taking me along on their family beach trips so I could keep the kids company, I even remember him taking Jimmy and myself to Kroger when we were 11 just to get us away from his younger brothers, who now aren't so young now. Now at the end of his life I remember visiting him at Cape Fear Valley Hospital in Fayetteville, and the Tuesday before he died at Chapel Hill. Through all this I comforted his children: Jimmy, George, Sam, and Chris. But no words I could say would prepare them and or make this ordeal any better. I've always felt I have a way of making people feel better, even if it were by my expense. Not this time. Wednesday was the viewing, Thursday was the funeral. Both nights I slept at their house. Keeping them company, trying to keep their mind off what was going on. All the while I see their grandmother grieving over her lost son, begging for him to wake up and come home, and their mother grieving over her husband. Wednesday night I managed to keep my composure for the most part, for my friends. Thursday, I was not so lucky. I had gone to church earlier in the morning for a service,and decided to wait until the funeral, since I was a pallbearer. Traditionally the priest meets the body at the church, this time it wasn't so, and I was only one there to greet it. After they had set everything up, I stood near the casket, and as crazy as this may sound, I talked to him. And vowed to him that I would do one important thing. I would watch over his sons, and help them in any way I could, and as is customary in Greek tradition, I said the final farewell, albeit earlier than the others. The funeral started and to see the family crying, and the majority of the people in the church, including my own parents, was too much for me, and I lost my composure. Over the last few days, I still cant believe this is happening. Its different going to their house, and not having that oh so familiar greeting from their dad that I was accustomed to. Now there is talk of them moving to Greece to be closer to family, since they have no immediate family here. Which brings me to wonder, who will I have in Fayetteville besides my family now? My high school friends are now far removed from our glory days. Coming home means family, but may not always mean "family". So besides all these things, why am I so upset? Because now that I know what specifically caused all this, I feel guilty. Because I knew, by my deduction, what was going on. But I didn't say anything. Why? Because it wasn't any of my business. Wasn't my place to get involved. I figured their doctor was on top of it, but he wasn't. And I always have that feeling of "what if". What if I had said something? What if I had asked? Would things be different now? Who knows. But the last few days have ,as my dad said so bluntly about himself, "have cost me". It has made me emotionally spent. I have spent much time rethinking what I feel is important in life, and have deduced that one truly should never take anything for granted. And I don't think I will. Before saying goodbye to the family today,on my anticipated return to Greenville on Monday, I told them to have courage and faith.So this brings me back to the title of this entry. "You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” Said by the Greek philosopher Epicurus. I just hope they and myself are up to the challenge. Godspeed Steve. And I'll keep my promise. -Peter |
